My morale is conflicted. In tending the communities I created, I have constructed an almost impossible conundrum for myself. It goes something like this:
I am most happy when I talk to those who need my help and I am most engaged when talking to those who have things to offer me.
Usually there is a certain back and forth that I gain, but lately, it seems to be one or the other. Those that need nohing from me are the ones I am drawn toward. Their ability to create things without my help is incredible and awe inspiring. They don’t require my guidance, although they do seem to at least tolerate it. They start projects that subsist. They are amazing and all I want to do is watch.
And yet, I am most happy when those people are coming to me and directly soliciting my help. When they can’t figure something out or they need a tool to figure out their next move, I couldn’t be more fulfilled. I am conducting the work of teaching and it feels satisfying in a way that is primal and instinctual. Getting a problem resolved in the on thing feels productive, the one thing that makes me feel useful.
So, it isn’t a moral dilemma that I am speaking of, but a morale dilemma. I am conflicted about what I should be spending my time doing.
In the long run, is it better to be engaged or happy? While they may be related to one another, they are not the same thing. Both are temporary and both sustain me. The former consumes time, whereas the latter consumes energy.
Obviosly this is a false dichotomy because I don’t have to spend my time doing only one. I can use both to my advantage. But, as I look out into the future, the choices I make are not concrete and the positions I take are not all mine. When I advocate for what to work with most often, should I derive my morale through those I consider my equals and betters or should I be pursuing opportunities to work with those who I can really work with and help to understand what is really possible?